I Seldom See it Coming......

I heard some news today I wasn't expecting. I guess that's what makes it news.


I called a friend to confirm a lunch date & was mildly surprised when she didn't seem to remember our plans. I was going to take her out to distract her, because her mom had a 'mild' stroke last week and was still in rehab. My friend needed a break so I thought I'd treat her.


Turns out, her mom suffered a severe stroke yesterday and is now in hospice. Just hearing those words shot me right into my fugue state, that gift God allows me when I can't take the news. In fact, as I write this I'm in my fugue state. It's amazing how much one can accomplish while in shock. Some of my finest works have been completed while under this influence.


It's a blessing and a curse. The blessing is that things get handled beautifully, my son's special needs were always met and he flourished. My Dad had a beautiful funeral, family in from all over, visitation,rosary, service, luncheon, all went smoothly, I'm told.



Herein lies the curse. I have no memory of it.



I have vague recollections of cousins being in town all those years ago, when I lost my dad, a fleeting vision of a bunch of us, after all the hoopla, taking my mom back upstate so she wouldn't have to enter the house alone. I do remember that. Naturally, being Irish, we turned the whole thing into an extravaganza of rearranging furniture and home movies late at night, accompanied by 'cleaning out' the liquor cabinet.


My son sent me into overdrive for approximately nine years. It was then that he finally stabalized. It was nine years of surgery after surgery, top to bottom and I mean that literally. Six brain surgeries, scads of orthopedic procedures, a lot of nephrology (kidney) and then, just to be cruel, fate stepped in and sent us stoopid things like hernias and tonsils.


When I look back at it now, I remember most vividly his winning the Special Olympics in every event, every year. (Those athletes are all winners all the time, you betcha) I remember him being interviewed on t.v. on all the channels after his participation in those events. I remember that he was a cub scout and on a bowling league. I remember that he liked to turn his pillow over each night for "the cool side."


So, yes, I've been given a gift. The gift of automatic pilot. The gift of selective memory.


A gift I'll never exchange.

Rollercoasters are Supposed to be Seasonal

Usually considered a thrill ride. Certainly, a ride. I seem to be on one and can't get off. I suppose everyone feels that way at times, I just happened to get a look at my pattern recently and likened my life to a rollercoaster. I hated them as a kid, I rode them, to be sure, so that no one would know of my terror. I guess it was good practice for the ride I'm on now.


Just when you think you're at a stage in your life when everything is going to go smoothly, supposed to go smoothly, you get hit with all kinds of challenges. I never see them coming, but I'm seldom surprised.


I wrote about my dog and her health issues, she's on her own rollercoaster. Sometimes markedly improved, then a relapse. One day at a time for that challenge, for both of us.


The next thing to come along is a move. Perhaps in the fall. I have moved twenty times in my life, always thinking it would be the last time. At this age, I'm making damn sure this one is the last time. I've just begun looking, I hope to move in the fall, but that remains to be seen. The task is overwhelming, everything from even looking, to the actual event. I'm pretty good at it by now, but age is creeping up on me and the task seems monumental.


The summer is flying by, lots of good times with family and good friends and lots of time to watch my grandson flourish. He is doing well, although from time to time (like now) even he gets sidelined with a virus.


One of my friends who was unemployed, like me for awhile, found a job eighteen months ago and loved it. Until politics and attitude made her step back and re-evaluate the situation, She took a stand. I'm proud of her. At our age we can sometimes be more objective. Now she's waitng to see if her life is going to change, again.


I can sum it up in three words:


It goes on.

Georgia on my Mind

 

We're getting down to the wire here.


Second hardest thing I've ever done. The first stays in the vault.



My buddy, my pal, my best friend ever is not looking good. My dog (so much more than that, really) is suffering. She's been sick for a few weeks now and I deluded myself into thinking she was just aging, just slowing down a little. But finally I realized that this is bigger than the both of us.


I took her to the vet, a man who should be knighted before sainthood, and described in great detail, her symptoms. "I'm hoping for a urinary tract infection," I told him. There were signs of that, so he agreed with me and prescribed antibiotics. Which made her sicker. He suggested I stop them to see if her appetite improved, and it did. For a day.


It seemed to be a trade-off. Her appetite for the symptoms.I know I've been so sick I wanted to cave, even I can lose my appetite.


She's back on meds after today's Dr. visit, a new kind. It's too soon to tell if they'll be effective. Xrays ruled out stones, lab tests pointed to infection, and nothing has ruled out cancer. I got a feeling from the doc that this is his suspicion. I think he's getting me ready for that. I'll never be ready.


We're going to take it one day at a time, for now. But when I look into those big, brown, beseeching eyes I know that if this 10 day course of treatment doesn't work, I will have to face the inevitable. I refuse to make her sicker with radiation and chemo, so there's nothing left to do but make her comfortable.


She's been with me for eleven years. Longer than any relationship. She never judges me and she thinks I hung the moon. We never fight, never even get irritated with each other. She has been a model partner and I can't imagine my life without her.

We're in this together, girlie-girl, and I only care about your well being. Mine seems kind of shaky lately.

Live and Let Live

It occurs to me that most of us will never grow up. If you think about it, most adults, at one time or another, still behave like sandbox kids. It's just the toys are different, now they're 'issues.'

It happens in traffic, in shopping centers, stores, Dr's offices and restaurants. And it all boils down to the same thing,



"I want my way  and I want it now !"




If I can't have it my way, I'll take my toys and go home. I'll cut you off in traffic, I'll flip you off.   I'll argue with you, I'll report you, I'll take my business elswhere !





And the thing of it is,we engage in it. I'm getting better at practicing patience, being understanding and less demanding. I'm working hard on collecting my thoughts and setting my priorities. I'm trying. But I have friends who are getting less and less so, like age gives us the right to be so cantankerous.



I don't understand it. Why is everyone so impatient? It's frightening. Road rage is dangerous, these drivers are as impaired by their anger as those under the influence of drugs or alcohol. They're out of control. Where are they going in such a hurry ? What could be more important than safe driving?



I've encountered sales associates who are drunk with power. Nurses who are exhausted and exasperated. Dr's who are distracted and non-commital and waitresses who want nothing more than to get off their feet and count their tips.



I wish, at certain time each day, maybe several times a day, there would be a signal, like church bells that would sound and remind all of us to just breathe. We could stop and look around, and at each other and remember, we're all in this together.



It's not about the one who get there first,it's about how we get there.

Peace and Love, Man ~

Life's Little Curve Balls

Sometimes, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. I work so hard to maintain the status quo. My status quo is pretty cushy, so I'm running fairly constantly . I set myself up for this and it works out pretty well. A checks and balances system.


The problem is not uncommon. The problem is just that, a problem. Or several problems, always unexpected. My most recent snafu was an emergency vet bill and it ain't over yet. My dog has a urinary tract infection, possibly secondary to kidney stones. The solution, of course, is priceless. I'll deplete my resources if need be, to save this little one, but not at the cost of her comfort. No extraordinary measures for this one, who's already got a place in heaven.


Then there's silly stuff, like license tabs or speeding tickets, or root canals, those necessary evils. It all adds up and it always hits at once, at least in my case.

I'm only mentioning this because I'm reminding myself how fortunate I am to be able to put out these fires as they come up. I'm keeping my perspective. I thank God every day for putting me exactly where I am. I have riches beyond compare, starting with family and friends and creature comforts.

I live in a lovely home, I have a car, cable and enough food. I'm healthy, I'm happy and I couldn't ask for more.


In fact, I'm not. I'm only asking to keep what I've got, the ability to maintain the staus quo. Nothing more. The time will come when I'll have to lower my standards, depending on how long God lets me live.

That is, of course, subject to change when the Publishers Clearinghouse Team shows up at my door. They've promised me I may already be a winner. I'm not all that hopeful though, Ed McMahon never showed up.

 If I ever get that lucky, I promise to share the wealth. I'll put out your fires too. But the bulk of it would go to those who need much more than a root canal. They need it much more than we do.

Where's the checks and balances in the greater picture? Damned it I  know.

Friends in Low Places

Ya gotta have friends. Bette Midler reminds me of that with her version of that song.  And I don't know where I'd be without mine.


Some of my girlfriends are like sisters, and some of them are like husbands. Some of them are 'work' friends. The 'husband' friends protect you and go to dinner and the movies with you. They remind you to get license tabs.


The 'work' friends know you intimately in another arena. They see you shine, they see you fail and they help you deal with stressors that sister friends cannot imagine. They too, deal with a huge part of your life.


 All of mine are a big part of my of who I am. Many of them have been with me for years.



The best part about being around them is that you can be yourself and they love you in spite of it. They know your take on the world, they don't fault you for anything, they laugh at your jokes and they instinctively know when they're needed.



I think women treasure their friends more than men do. At least we're much more open about it. We remember birthdays and celebrate them, we know each other's health histories and worry about them.



I guess we all have different sets of friends. And I'm selfish enough not to mingle mine. I want each group compartmentalized, where they belong. Really, the only thing they have in common is me. 




The sister friends are the ones who've been there the longest. In my case, this bunch have been a big part of my life since high school, some since grade school. We've grown up together, we're growing old together. We still call each other by our maiden names. Our children are the same ages as are our grandchildren.



They know my secrets and find them delicious. They razz me about ex-husbands, and celebrate my accomplishments. We celebrate each other. We never tire of old stories, we laugh as hard as we did at the time. We used to have dinner every Wednesday night and go canoeing every summer.



But that was before life got in the way, that was before fate stepped in and messed some of us up, too damaged by horrible things that changed our quality of life.



We've moved away, or we've retired, but we still pick right up where we left off, before strokes and heart disease and cancer reared their ugly heads.




We still have our summer trips, not as many, but just as rewarding, perhaps even more so.



I look around my circle of friends and I know that despite everything, we're all still the same. We love each other, we go to bat for each other, we entertain, delight and amuse each other. It doesn't get any better than that.



"For you, fair friend, never can grow old. For as you were when first your eye I eyed, so seems your beauty still."



Shakespeare sure knew what he was talkin' about. ~

The Beat Goes On

Every time I look in the mirror, I see my sister. It's always been like that. I've always known exactly what I will look like in 13 years. It's really funny sometimes, like when I see a relative I haven't seen in ages. They're always astounded by the resemblance. Once, I was leaving a restaurant in northern Michigan and I was greeted enthusiastically by someone I'd never seen before. Given that the area we were visiting was my sister's neck of the woods, I knew immediately what had happened. I don't know whether to be flattered by these mistakes (Patty is very pretty, me, not so much) or insulted that someone would think I am 13 years older than I really am ! (Granted, there are days..)



Now, I get to be on the other end of it. As I watch my offspring mature, I see more and more of myself in them. One looks very much like me, more so as she ages, and the other has my voice and mannerisms. It's rather uncanny. I've been caught in the act of being inattentive to their stories, so wrapped up am I in their personas. It's frightening, it's mesmerizing.



I want to stop time. I want to stop these girls in their tracks. I want to strong arm them and shake them and warn them not to make the mistakes I've made.  But they will, and more, and other mistakes and there is nothing I can do about that.




I look back and I'm still in awe of so many patients over the years....the vacant eyes, the twisted limbs and the knowledge that somewhere in there is a young girl who was a dancer, a cheerleader, a young mom, a star. And I want to tell my girls that it's going too fast, they must stop and breathe, and remember it all.




But I can't. Like me, they'll go charging through life, focused on the prize, not even thinking of the journey. Until it becomes a lot of memories, like mine, bittersweet and beautiful.



For every thing, there is a season. Turn, turn, turn.