Everything is relative, right? We all have different takes on the same things. I'm beginning to think I have a really weird perspective.
I just returned from the grocery store, at the ungodly hour of 8 am. I set my clock because we're in the middle of a heat wave and I can't take it. I got up early to run errands, walk the dog and watch a friend in a tennis tourmament for awhile. After that I will sequester down, make a pasta salad, read, nap and do laundry in the air conditioning. Life is good.
Except.
I just narrowly averted a full blown panic attack. This was triggered by....(doon-doon...) the self check out lane at my grocery store. It was so early, the store hadn't even opened cashier lanes. I was forced to engage in a ritual that would be, for most people, mildly interesting. For me, paralyzing. I get nervous, downright scared and usually fumble my way through with help from the real cashier.
I have other day to day tasks that unnerve me, too. Things you wouldn't even give a second thought. I have anxiety over merging, I have not, nor ever will, stuffed a turkey and each Sunday mass I worry about being asked to take the gifts up to the alter. I've accomplished all of these things (except the turkey) and beautifully, but in sheer panic mode.
Here's the conundrum: I can do things a lot of people cannot/would not without a glimmer of angst.
My life in medicine brought me much joy and satisfaction. I spent years in the operating room, scrubbed in on a myriad of surgeries, right there, ready with instruments, suction, and counting bloody sponges. I have run and warned the surgeon when I would be shutting down the laser on vision correction. (It's not up to him, really, it's up to the laser) I catheterized my own young son, for several years, every 4 hours. I accomplished all this with nothing more than satisfaction of a job well done. I was in my comfort zone.
How many other people can lay claim to that kind of accomplishment? Granted, not a lot, but I bet most people do not freeze over daily tasks, like merging or stuffing turkeys.
I hope retirement does many things, but mostly I hope it gives me new perspective so I can relax and enjoy it.
Malcom Forbes said: "Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did."
He may be right !
2 comments:
I have stuffed a turkey. I love the self check outs except something always goes wrong. I got up early today to continue packing since it will be warm later. Retirement probably will kill me, but I don't care. I have time now to do something or nothing. I love pasta salad unless there are olives in it. I use Newman's light Italian.
I've been thinking about whether it's necessary to get over anxiety about everything or if it's okay to just say sometimes: no thanks, that's not my thing. Do we limit ourselves when we avoid certain things? Maybe it's just about how we define quality of life for ourselves; there are some things we can live without. You could just make sure you go to the grocery store when there are actual people to serve you, and you would still have food to eat. But if it's important to go early to beat the heat, you have to face the self checkout -- just as an example. My daughter could have continued to avoid air travel because of anxiety, and she could still have a good life, but she decided she wanted to see more of the world, so she had to overcome that fear.
And sometimes it's about necessity, I guess. I would not be good at ANY medical procedures, but if the life of a family member depended on it, I think I would learn. I don't like to drive in unfamiliar territory, but if I have to get somewhere, well, off I go with Google maps in hand! :)
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