The Final Act

It has come to pass : the end of my little dog's life. I've been dreading it, but not quite believing it, for about three months...Ending her life took more courage than I knew I had, and that's saying something.  She was diagnosed officially with Transitional Tumor Carcinoma, malignant, three weeks ago. Since then her symptoms exacerbated quickly. I gave her codeine, I took comfort measures as long as she would eat and at least, wag her tail.  I thought her quality of life was still good (for the most part) and I delayed the inevitable.


And then, she turned on me, in the only way she knew how. She bit me, hard & viciously, causing a helluva laceration. It was only one of the scars I have left from her. The rest you can't see. But that isn't why I put her down, I can take a bite, if that's what it takes to make me understand she wasn't even in there anymore. It was her way of telling me to let her go and she meant it.


I made the call, I made the appointment, I got ready to go.  Then, she was up in her window seat for the first time in weeks. I canceled the appointment, only to reschedule two days later. It was quick, it was merciful and it hurt me more than it hurt her, fersure.



They left me alone with her after giving her the initial injection to sedate her. I had time to hold her and pet her and repeat some of our nonsense she'd been accustomed to. I cried into her fur, as I've done many times before. That little girl took many secrets to her grave. 



I promised God would kiss her hello and I reminded her I'd be along and she is to wait for me.



That was the hard part.  Now, only one day later, I'm still weepy, I cry spontaneously, in the car, at my desk, on the phone. I've replaced her window seat with a plant, I put her water dish away and I've got her collar around my wrist, for now. It's a hard habit to break, letting go of someone who was omnipresent for twelve years. I find myself holding the door a moment longer than necessary, moving my feet under my chair so she'll have room under my desk, and last night,I slept on her side of the bed.



So, with all the attention to detail, all the acts that make up closure, there is one thing I forgot.



I forgot to say 'Thank You,'   Thank you, girl, for choosing me. For letting me cry into your fur, for listening to secrets I would trust to no one, and for tolerating me. The nights I was way later than I should've been, the times I forgot to pick up your treats or even your food, Thank you for keeping my feet warm and my heart even warmer.

I love you, girl,

Go with God.


GOOD girl !